I know.
but my work
is to love you.
and my difficultness
is like virgin snow
afraid of falling
if I love too much,
will I become Your ground?
will I disappear at Your touch?
will I become Love?
this TRUST
is like a seed being planted
in Fall
I must go through winter
stark and heartless.
I push away Light because it is too much for the cave.
I Am difficult
Because my difficultness
is a Holy grave I must fill with my heart.
and this vessel can hold
so much of your love before
it falls apart
and bruises.
so much Love, Blood , Rich soil ---
pouring to the wound ---
widening the source of my reception.
I must go back
and collect water.
this bucket, a poor excuse,
back and forth, I must go
emptying out
my difficulty
like a barter
I can only trade so much, .... give so much
of my hold on order
in exchange for You.
I can only exchange so much
because I can only
hold You
for a quarter of a second...before I become so
filled
I break
a portal in my own
reflection
again and again
I go
to Your Water.
to fill and refill.
only so big,
so ready
so courageous
to let you Love me
(without suffering disorder).
I must break
fast
with my suffering
slowly,
so I bring water
to a well which can receive it.
I do not want
to waste
any ounce of You
any increment.
because I know
You Are Jesus.
I Love You
Your Beloved
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