Love Letter 339 Guilty

dear lover

I have not found you

looking at the stars

I have not wandered into the night

I have not selected my clothes for the ceremony

inside, I stayed

today

and yesterday

feeling the dread

of this disconnection

this salient saboteur

pulling me closer

to separation

My love

you were by the bed

but I blew out the candle

and hurried under the blanket

I did not let my eyes

find the palace you made for me

I did not let ears hear the confession of your love

I did not let my head rest

on the only heart I beg to adore me

I am not wise

I let the rain water someone else's flowers

while I thirst inside

I let you wait

in the garden

of constellations

while I will not meet you

I will not give myself a chance

to come out of the shadows

of my excuses

I push the door of the black cage

open

I let the wax cool in my sleep

all my hummings

and the thick cord of my bench pressed prayer

beckons the leader of the band

to break my habit of

keeping you

at a distance

my laziness like the last steps of a stones drowning

why can't I let the lit candle guide me

to your gifts

what shame have I to adore you

and not avoid you

my love

I am eroded

by my own

routine basking in hell

the fingers of your ward

run their chaste wave at me

but I press against the kettle of these bars

I press against the costume of this jail

I put on deprivation

instead of

my wedding dress

and play piano with a cylinder

of your requests

My lord

this penitentiary is but a bird I have given your perch

let your astronomy

consume my crooked star

and give me nowhere to hide

from our reunion

Your Beloved