is it over?
I thought you would come back
but
alas
you have moved on
this love letter has been stuck in the silence I gave you
along with my refusal
to let you know my heart
and now
those things
will
never be opened
again
by you
it doesn't feel like love
as I say it
it doesn't move
like
anything but
fear
regret
animosity
incredulousness
I am still here
and you
are
not
do you know how much room I have saved in my heart?!
have you any idea how I have kept this shop
like a mausoleum of our addiction?!
can you imagine
how much of myself
I have bartered off
in favor
of keeping how I saw you
fitting in here
and all that vacancy
has been claustrophobic
as my speck of self
became
"the waiter"
how I expected you
to come
back
and move in
again
if I could just stop swallowing you up
and then
I wouldn't have to wonder
what God
wanted
because
with you
I thought I'd figured it out
no.
there are thrown and broken ornaments
all over
my
hope
chest
and sirens
coming
through my synapses
gasping your name
there
has been
no oxygen
since you left
and my lung
so deficient in love
has
collapsed
why
does
God come near
when I have fallen
in love
with death?
Why does She
wait
for the white flag
to drop
in a field of tumors
and the rest of this restless breath
to become
a strategy?
Can She see
that I have woven you
into
the whole world
I wanted
and that our love
had its own orchestra?
my heart
has a charley horse
not riding off
into the sunset
but
down
into
the vigilant despair
I borrowed
from the way things were
it is almost
too much
to throw
away the door
you closed
but God
has a bonfire
started
for just
such
nuisances
I Love you
Your Beloved
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