Love Letter 322 Arduous Behavior and the Transcendent Scapegoat

I have totally misunderstood

what love is

I have burned the book

that said this

and I have left behind the book

that said that

I have learned from honey bears

and honey bees

I have leaned closer

but I have not understood

what that word is

today

I walked

the 40 days and nights

in my head

and ended up in Paia

with a bag full of lemons

which I'd intended

but the fast

of love,

My love

is no different

it stretches for miles

inside the self

its counts all its longings

it hesitates on its path

it sways

it gives up

it re-resolves

it tightens its fists around the collar of admonition

interrogation

doubt

delay

frustration

purpose

interrupted

it hoists a graveyard of fear

over the still singing coffin

it bears its burdens like a ground hog

which has everyone watching it for news of something it has no interest in

My love

I have lost causes

trying to find my way in the dark

and the Huna

show mercy

though I cringe at the lava rock

if I am asked to

"get in"

I will hesitate

because

I think

I have something to lose

I forget

I have something to gain

even the divers

at midnight

know

the shore

is loaded

with desperate illusions

which they must

forsake

for a deeper truth

even understanding my misunderstanding

is

another detour

from

jumping in

Your Beloved

Love Letter 321 Ninth Caveat

Did I chase you here?

into this entirely hybrid orchard

to tangle your fears...

wish you ghosts dangling from the poised element of your trust?

My love

I have burdened you here

so we might go together

over that paved field and plant lilies

I have lifted my course and bit into the compass

so all our Norths would follow the Sun

My Love

I have pledged a freedom only fruit flies ever tell about

as they nourish themselves on someone's budding, burning fruit

I hold my oyster like a plague

and you pluck my pearl

like a master

My Love

I have been in this jungle too long, not to love it

and you,

have been to the edge

and just whistled

waiting for me to come

like a dog

but I don't blame you

you haven't understood the charm

of this world

the chant of this display, desperately breaking your heart with innuendos

My Love

I have long cooked on a raw fire

all my sadist's attempts to make you happy

everything I have done

has rid the soul of its own mercy

all I ask now

is for a few friends

to judge

my intent

for a beautiful world

and the way I walked the ground I worshipped

and the way

I wove you

into everything you

are

even if you are blinded

by your own

fear

of looking

in the

mirror

I Love You,

Your Beloved

Love Letter 320 Outstretched Palm

It is your well

I wish

into

Your well

I wash

with my heart

all my convictions: oil; drudge; scrubbery

pulling at the tires of this

jalopy

all my contradictions

pulling at the coil(s)

of you

dear one

It is said

that I am elevated

as much

as I lower myself

This Kingdom...

is fit

with a Queen

has always

been fueled by red tents

everywhere

It is enough to ask for your Purity

and receive one broken stone for every favor

I have discarded my futility

A/Oh highly intelligent Love...

for today, I will make no decisions

which will cost me my heart

or you, yours

I will serve

only with my questions

Am I being close enough to God?

Am I believing in the power of forgiveness?

Am I willing to Love?

Your Beloved

Love Letter 319 Which Coast are You On?

Beloved, we scrambled

for the last piece

last night

the last piece of the last star

you held it

then I did

then something in one of us... both of us

snatched it apart

you took it from me

I took it from you

but the Ocean knows we did not share it

All that's been given to us

we act

as if

it's ours

while you sit across from me

I see you as separate

even our lovemaking

perishes

in our struggle

your turn

my turn

something

gives up

and there is no longer

the lover or beloved

only the bed with 2 leaping frogs

only those lawn chairs chafing in the dark

only the lucid wind

happening upon 2 angels

clipping

each other's wings

oh, my love

I have done you so much wrong

I have taken my own prison

and invited you into it

when I could have

given it up

I could have loved you better, my love,

can't you see that?

you deserved more

but

I have consoled myself in isolation

self-absorption, my only weapon

each rancid tracking device, de-fended

All the while

you were chasing me

with bowls of honey

I thought you were a hive of bees

each time

you were dropping a coin

in my till/strongbox

I thought you were stealing my strength

Beloved

we have come to this sea bed

and divvied up the fish

the ocean is empty

and all I am asking

is

for its forgiveness

maybe then

I can replenish

this desert

we invented

between our 2 oases

maybe then

I can give all I have taken

back

maybe then

the stars can trust us

to make love

under them

like lovers

who no longer thieve for love

Maybe then

you can trust my

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 318 Titanic Heart

Beloved!

I am on the countdown!

I have hidden my clock under your foot and await your stomping!

This has been hysterical, heretical, and wholesome

this journey through love's ascending caress and eternal cavern

I have been smitten and spit at

I have burnt up all offerings and still sit at the pit and wait for one more ember to glow

halfway into the night

one more ember

one more sign of your love

one last decent request for my heart on your hibachi.

Lover

I have lived in this land mine

and left my aching step in the lantern

I have chewed through the wire

and swallowed that dynamite

I have lived with the love- hate switch of the challenging grenade of your all encompassing hypno-frazzle

I have leapt at the coma, and left the couch crying for solitude! solitude! solitude!

But where is my sugar?!

where is my cloud of 88 pearls?

Out in the seabeds, stingrays and parrotfish wander

out in the grey silted quicksand of coral and lava

I leave my lurching credit of lies

out in the crater, where everything appears then disappears

I must surrender to knowing nothing

and trust

that your next step

will be

into

my heart

Your Beloved

Love Letter 317 Churning me, Turning to You

It troubles my spirit that I could be so callous, My Love

even this disingenuous spirit, with all these cathedrals built to mecca, which bow in indifference

still know you to be my only soul

all these shacks against the only coast I care about

all these benign exemptions

and trivial disencounters

I beg my flesh to arise a portal to you

but I am still sinking... a self-enrolled, defensive fish

defending my army of ingrates, my superficial empire of hideous loathing

have I butchered you

or captured your spirit

have I give you the holy host or the highest praise?

have I sat in sherlock holmes' position, questioning the very art of how it is you are?

No My Love

I have done nothing

for nothing I do

touches your coat

all of my howlings: inconsequential

all of my dreary impetus chants

all impotent theories, like, rhetoric on a dead bach

My Dear

I have held my defenses, my castle walls swell with pious ill-humor

I cannot let down my very insignificant guard

not even knowing that in me, You live

I have given you my shadow

I have made for you a friend

with which I wrestle

I have torn apart the shore I live in and rest on

and more, I have given the very labyrinth of my berth

to Him

If I wanted to be with you, I would twist all my wounds into one perfection....

wouldn't I?

If I were truly grateful, I could bend... and behave

If I were mortal, I would recognize you as the only one thing which could distinguish me from hell or death or rampant self-indulgence

but you, Lord, Perfecter of the Art of Love

have taken all my brazen religions, have pulverized my sense of humor, have fit me with a castle full of thieves and angry widows

have taken for my grapes of hope, a path of solemn leaves

My Love

You have given me Your armband

and like a warlock

I keep it

hidden

so that someday

I may arise a priest

but now, in this daily living,

I am given to personality

and constant honoring of my own single-ized, impervious wave

You come to me in many forms

and often, I shoo you away

the Aries,

the Capricorn,

The Holy Ghost

and a million thorns connected to my sacred salutation

Oh Lord,

You fill me

with all this angst

and love

and it becomes

a test

to see

who

will come up laughing

today

The Eternal Apology

lives in me

The Eternal Apology

finds its way

...

after I leave

after I have accosted yet another messenger

of

everything.

I want to believe you

and return to you

purring like an infinite kitten

but, Love

your remedy

is like a sneeze

in my Aquarian system

and though I bow to you

my back goes stiff

in the cult of seeing you in all others

I still am weak

I still am not enough love

I still am seeing the world

half decorated

in my sense of habitual humor

how I see the world

when I can hear you clearly

is so different

than how I see

when I am churning my own melody

My Love,

Forgive Me

My Love Is Feeble

Yet it Lives

Your Beloved

Love Letter 316 Always this Soft Bed

Yes

Lover

I can withstand

when out of every pore that irascible light is living

I can hold you

because I am not held back

I can love you

because I do not question my own lovability

I can stay

because I am not running from myself

Lover

all of your fears

are the skipping of the pebble

but not the hand

nor the landing.

I am here

because

this is where you are

All my lifetimes

have been

to build this endless INN of love

There will always be room

here

my love

There will always be room

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 315 Specimen 18

You Are A Radiant Spider Web!

Catching All the World in Your Love!

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 314 Look out!

a quarter til nine

rage is like a liquid spigot redirecting me

from you to me

from you to me

back and back again

to the quagmire of self

flatulence, rabies, saponified impish polite narcissism

always back to that influential self

of lust

and altruistic beration

I have arrived here

another apartheid

I want to let go

but I am so on guard.

lover

use your eraser to wake my heart

crack the code of this

ornery dancing,

this pimping love

into an all out quest to attain

attain attain,

to that very detail

I am ambushed

the saboteur aroused and fetching

all this inner lace work

untied

matted

knotted

derived

contrived

all this inner piece meal like a fallen pride parade

my lover

why have you sustained me?

I want to grow old

pass out

and live again

in a different world

with a different conclusion

but you have stripped me

of my fear of death

And my fear of life

we sit

at this picnic

bugs and all

everybody's clock is ticking

and still you pour the wine slowly

the sun is setting

but you spread out your toast into soliloquy

you are not fragile

love is not fragile

so why

do I feel the slipping away of all my fantasy?

why am I so close to every edge

I invent?

My love

I can't sustain you!

I am always wanting everything easy

I am always wanting the nearest quickest cheapest sweetest

I am anything but subtle, focused, reliable

all I want is wanting!

This wreckless word to tyrannically seduce you!

how I wanted to be sweet

but deep down

I'm a rage of me me me

I wanted to surround you with flowers

but here I am whining, on bended knee

at my own grief

wanting you to comfort me

you

to do it all

for me

please

this, my love

is not a love letter

but a purgatory grail

sheepish, gaudy,

absolutely real and unreal both

like a fetish I have for wishing

all this greed parts the sea

of you and me

and an island erupts

from nowhere

into a brilliant blockade

how,

how

this tragedy?

I swing the anchor over my head, bitterly

you must duck, my love

at least.

Your Beloved

Love Letter 313 That Treehouse

i left a note under your door

sweet hypnotic hope antics

anticipating dreams

dropping off huge hints

about how I want to be loved

are you upset?

you got the message...

your tree house climbs in through my window

it's limbs

make me strong

I rest on you

in our meetings

I sneak out

over to you

I want to cup my hands around your ear

and whisper a secret

we have been doing

this before

not just shakespeare

but atlantis

and jericho

I sweep a tear

over to your side of the table

I leave

forget-me-nots

on your stage

my love

you abundantly break my heart open

to reach Eureka!

i remember when you carried me up the stairs

and that tree house

had a fire

deep down,

my love

it never went out

Your Beloved

Love Letter 312 your wedding has already happened

darkness, I take your hand

your infinite image escapes my injury, as I steer closely to you

you move,

your sword, not sharply, but there, in the middle

I see your future

bent

in a million waves

of uncertainty

and I cannot bow

slowly

to bring you

relief

my love

you are lord

over my

urge

to forget about love

I have noticed you

like a single moth in a single season

and when that hot comes around

I remember your wings

I used to lather you

with my words

and chap my lips on them

but love

under the bridge

where the stars become vessels of imagination

I hold you

each song is a syllable I hold under my tongue

each opera

is a thank you

scented with venetian timber

all my rites

are just swatting flies

when it comes

to

how old this love is

all my chambers

crack

to stare at you

one glimpse

and I cannot look away

you have been my savior

even in a sea of dregs

even when you slipped away

and the shadow was etched

I have not forgotten

the sullen rowing of your true love

all those flowers dropped for torches of you

all that is sweet

willingly

leans overboard

drowning

for your acknowledgement

I shudder when I think you see me

my eyes cast out

but my heart embraces your breeze

even if you barely remember

I take your oar

and pull the boat over

to my

urge

it is not like me to surrender

oh, superficially, yes

but not really

I like to be wrong

much less

than I like being right

so I take my marker and cross out

all the parts about us

breaking up

the way I think of it, Beloved

is

that Pangaea

never parted

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 311 You Know

to the insipid mime

who gets god

while climbing out of nothing

thank you

for showing my pretense

and all the plastic walls

which are just hands

in white gloves

mimicking the icebergs

and

you are

the one hand clapping

while

I sit

in zen

luxury

contemplating

koans

with my ego

and that thing you do

so simply reveals

the worlds chaos

is like

an imaginary

room

with toys

we fight over

which

aren't even

real

help me

climb out

of my perception

of separation

via

my

hand held wall

help me

find my way

out

of the masterpiece

attached

to my

ego

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 310 Lover Beloved

flowers forget that I am here, when they are growing

they have their own way to the light

I have cost you every penny

of that journey here

and still I cost you

with my fickle yearning

the world appears

your feet are washed

then dirty

and I bend down

sometimes

between

the ego I hold onto

and the penny

and I begin

to bow

first

to your baby toe

then the next

and next

and finally

after

a long

time

in recovery

lift my lips

to your big toe

and plant a prayer

I have been growing

between my ego

and my yearning

to be

your sweet, clean, floor

Beloved

Your Beloved

Love Letter 309 The Grooming Heart

It is your prerogative

to say too much

or just enough

or too little

or stay shut, like a little oyster in a sand bed

I want your room

to be just as light

as my sun

but I can wait

'til

you ask

I can take turns

with your dark

I can live

with your innocent end

your fever

your small remark

itching

on my forehead

because we practice together

because you have allowed that art

because your aria

is like a lit path

through a tunnel

where I would never set foot

if I did not know

you (too) were God

so let me

settle

onto you

when you cannot bear the grim shuck of the heart (waking)

when the soap skin

cannot wash off, with one shower

when all you fear is fear

I will shower you

with so much love

it will look like

artwork on the refrigerator

unrefined by outlines

but so much better

than a lost boat

without a navigator

banging against its own anchor

I Love You, Beloved

in your souring heart

and sweetening crawl

in all the words you use like butter to loosen the crack

between all our doors

because you care

to loosen

even what you hold dear

so love

can fly in

I Love You,

Your Beloved

Love Letter 308 tuning my guitar, my love

that beautiful petal love dropped in my cup,

was you

all along

like a sentimental weed

you kept cropping up

and I so perpetually

foolish

would snip you

but The One's

smile

doesn't come

only once

No

that holy pet

is infinite...

its purring

like a moving curtain

in continuous wind

I am on my way

to putting

the scissors

down

while you are

filling my cup

with

clippings

of new leaves

Lover

Beloved

it is not enough

to pawn you

into poems

like a sickle

I will cut the tongue

and leave the suckle

to

the true bee

in this way

the honey

will

keep

flowing

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 307 Bring Your Bathing Suit

innocence is perpetual

you look to dust

and see its whispers

its stark rancid halo waltzing in the beam

you see the beam

its innuendo

its gladiator stretching alchemy

you feel the heat

when you move

into it

Ahhh

you say

and curl

without questioning

into contentment

there is no struggle

your nature is to move

toward feeling good

toward love

warmth

contentment

your nature

is not to define it

but to live it, to know it,

to recognize

Ahhh

this is it

Innocence is perpetual

the road bends

and straightens

I judge myself

but I fall in love anyway

I laugh when something strikes me funny

I cry when my center is moved

I feel guilty but only cause I know innocence is so deep within me

that everything else washes off

if I dare to go swimming

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 306 Your Holy Face

I am not blind!

You roost in my field, while I am on fire

and your crow

upsets

the burning!

My Love

in this tender ocean

where nests drop

from daily skies

how can you be so sure

the net

will open?

AHHH

my daughter

my son

all lovers

take the mask

and the net

to bed

with them

but in

the (true) love making

all of that is torn

that is as it should be

for the only net

is love

and the holy face

must

be encountered

Your Holy Face

Must Be Seen AGAIN

in this lifetime

the dragon

will burn off the baggage

that clutters

your bed

in this lifetime

your lover

will hand you his net

and her mask

and you will

know

the power

of love

in this lifetime

you will cast off your nets, make up and masks

all of your beds

will be turned

into nudist colonies

and I will be

hosting the party

I Love You

GET THAT!

Your Beloved

Love Letter 305 The Obelisk of Providence

morbid lover

I am knee deep in sacrifices

your nec

tarine

singes my taste

buds

my bottomless cursing

carries

canteens of wannabe holy water

while your tongue

reaches

into

my vineyard

dear one

the grass is greener

on the inside

I have noticed

all your envelopes

(are) addressed to

me

and I get smug

just knowing

your serrated juice

will sting me first

I get

over joyed

at the buoy

you have left for me

mid-ocean

and the way you lead me

to it

shark by shark

stick to the present moment

the laughing whale

swallowing my conundrum

you have thought of it all

even the warbling of knees

bent on your landmines

and the scraping embellishments

of brazen fish

blowing the lenten whistle

your

nec

tarine

is like

the first ray of sun

in my blind pocket

the point of the pit

chiseling

away

my cardiac dementia

carving

me into a cup

to catch

your

denouement/current

the obelisk of providence

like a direct line

of

elect

ri

city

divine divine

stun me

some more!

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 304 Unbroken

You destroy me

Your habitual presence

eats at my veneer

Your constant waiting

for me to come around

myself

to notice

you are offering me the world

I have no street savvy

I sit down in the sun

and burn

I bump into things on my way to being busy

I drink in gulps

eat in fistfuls

all the while in a pretty permanent lament

my love

you have unlaced your sandals

and stood at my door

your garment riddled with stories

I have nothing to give you

and still you want in

The press of your love

derives fruit

procreated cider

the laughter of lovebirds

letting go of the song

How you got here

is a mystery

but that you are

is without question

you have unfolded each feather

of my own brushed back

trodden my compulsive anarchy

even sugar with its Valkyrie frosting

takes a back seat in your presence

I feel your name in the crook of my neck

arousing conscience

I feel your plunging alchemy

unbolting

my very black door

at last

like Mt. Vesuvius

my shambles

is lit

with a match

of your care full unabridged love

all of me

was dormant

like a rock

then

cold lava shelf collapse

this foolery, folly

of cat and mouse

busted

Your Love

will Get In

If only by permeation

and I,

without knowing why

or how

tempt you

to trap me

in Love

isn't this how it is?

this destruction

is the stripping of the crack from the ancient vessel.

never broken

This is how

You see all things

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 303 Sticky Uniform

Don't you wish I was enlightened?

I mean, wouldn't that make your life just a little bit easier?

one less lightbulb to replace?

but I don't see god everyday

it pains me

to admit

but

I am

often

missing

the cues

of the Divine

right in front of me

in this paint by numbers

I am often

skipping ahead

and blurring the lines

and pretending

I don't have to

follow the rules

I act enlightened

when I pour my cereal

but

any other moment

I have sat on god

and refuse

to let him/her

out

from under

my

stubborn

ass

in this way

I prolong

the inevitable

waking

with a relay race of vibrational distortions

I have no evidence of god/good

when I am

opposed

to being replaced

by something

greater than

my self

Love,

Your Beloved

Love Letter 302 This Wouldn't've Happened If

Once

I was telling you

how sweetly beautiful

purposely perfect, poignant

you are

without

all this

me-ness

Once

this was about

You

Your You-ness

recognizing

How You You are

and Telling You

How Happy/Lucky...etc

I Am

to Ogle Your You-ness

Yes

All About You-Ness

I was

then

I ate

the zen koan

and like a cracker jack

it came

with an endless tattoo

which I tried to erase

with

all my

voodoo enlightenment

and then

all your You-Ness

was Exposed

to my Me-Ness

doing what I do

to be me

and get you

to be

into

my Me-Ness

But You

Are So You

that even my

quaint obsession

with

My Self

could

not

undermine

nor

overstep

Your You-Ness

and eventually

I found

My Self

at Your door

in my underwear

at 2:30 in the morning

wanting to know

if You sleep

in the Nude

AND OH! THANK GOD! YOU DO!

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 301 Ordinary Arrogance

I love you still

give up the fight

I want the whole world to be this preposterous

but you

I still want

in ways

that cannot bring peace

to any land

My Persia

is a cigar

out an open window

flicking ash

at anything

that isn't

You

I am so consumed by mercy

that I think

it will

keep forgiving

my hollow holiness

and all those letters

I write in my dreams

to you

the lips

are all there

professing

but I am still stuck

on that wavering

wick

of your words

you sing to me

as if

the sea were on fire

and I cannot stand

in the cult

of your

longing without giving in

You

were the One

and That Great Wave

gave you away

to somebody else

Oh God

Must I SHARE You?

Must I get to know you

only to find

I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE?

Oh God?

Must I stretch out my heart?!

to invite

all the strangers

you have been bringing flowers?

How MUST I SHARE YOU, GOD??!

You know I am the most selfish

of all your creations!

and yet

you know, somehow

that I can

I walk this watershed

my head in my hands

"Only Allah"

"Only Abraham"

"Only God"

Every chant is like a wheel of fortune

weaving in the groove of Your Name

Each name a new neighbor

bearing gifts

on the whole

NEIGHBORHOOD

but who heard

that these words

are not objects, but indicators

and that

no matter

what

sound

You Make

You Are Still

THE ONE

WITHIN

and all those strangers

are all the ways I shut out

my own

lust

for godliness

and all those strangers

are practicers of The One Practice.

Oh God

You are the table

and the legs

my feet do not move

without Your Ground

my knees do not bend

without

your prayer

to do good

on my lips

I Am still Yours

among all these strangers

there is still enough of You, God

Still Enough of You

Yours,

Your Beloved

Love Letter 300 The Poem's Journey

I only wanted to BE with you

Your voice in my head

I've said it

BEfore

it's still true

I walked along the canal

tonight

you and I both know

I was there

to hear

You

sing

(underneath

the bridge)

all these interruptions

cruelly attempted

to divert my attention

from You

but

the water

has her way of calling me near

and when i listen

i can hear

some part of you

singing

in Italian

to lovebirds

perched

on long lost lips

and the bleeding together

of each of us

strewn

in many deserts

around the world

brought together

by the

water

which we all need

to live

your eyes

never met mine

but

I know

the sound of your voice

floats forever in my pending

surrender

Your Beloved

Love Letter 299 Gratitude for the Violin in D#

I am not here

your burning

is building me a fire, pulling me in

evaporation is my cue

to love

to live without fear

to cease the magnetism of catastrophe

and throw off

all my achilles heels

and weep

for love

your total constant throwing of apricots at my feet

and making mosaic hearts with aphrodisiacs on my front lawn

have me

pulling up

picket fences

and putting down picket lines

an end to the boycott on love

you and your fresh daisies

with always "he loves me, she loves me" petals

pulling me into the collective consciousness You will

this thing of adoration

channels all my blame into gratitude

the way you

become the violin playing inside my head

you know

it strikes me now

that I have never seen you

turn

to go

Your Beloved

Love Letter 298 Turpentine Painter

Don't feed my ego.

I am still prone to elation --

still prone to galloping to the top of mountains and shouting my own name

be wary.

your words and adulation

build a pedestal too steep to climb

Believe me.

I have lifted a leg up many times

to step into paradise

only to find myself

falling again into

your arms

I Love You

Your Beloved

Love Letter 297 Who's Watching the Door? Woody Allen?

at least

I thought of you

first

before I got lost, mad, went essentially crazy

chose to get stuck. because, I had kicked that tire, and it felt good

why is your empire so beautiful?

no standards for getting in, even my green elevated longing, and my illuminated luggage

they all get through

don't you want to make it harder?

a test of strength, wit, glory?

don't you think, "Hey! I could charge money, for all of this?!"

Why does the good guy wear white?

and Why does the "bad" guy always have cooler clothes, weapons, hideouts?

Are you just laughing

or

is it really

as simple

as

"open sesame"?

I have all of your books

T-shirts

concert tickets

but

I have yet

to be back stage

even with this VIP pass

I am just an amateur

in a very Holy Club

and yet

you let us all in

as if

we

were miracles

Now that's Tough Love

Your Beloved

Love Letter 296 Your Yoga

there is no margin for fear

smell all of it

you want my spine straight

and my sitting

to Be

in pure lotus

you want me to surrender

all my worldly gains

and give over all my thoughts to "clouds are passing"

but

my butt hurts

(like ): a numb nemesis

in this position

I am always breathing in (on) the "sat nam"

I am so uncomfortable

I have blisters

on my pissed off psyche

and my aching legs

create their own curse words

as they sit in uneasy

all this curiosity

is like a rodeo

for rag doll chanting lasso enlightenment

falling off this itchy cross

and religiously resetting my vows

I practice

not looking God in the eye

I practice

telling a joke in my head

so as to entertain my self-hate

this is more important than You

than rolling my tongue, or remembering the umpteen names of Buddha

I have a nice cushion

and all my candles are scented

but this floor

is like a metal mat(tress)

in a wrestling ring for nirvana

You want me

to fill, follow, deepen,

and pronounce

this Sanskrit Silence like a Chopping Block of Hard Luck

All I want

is a little courage

to push you off your cushion

and steal your treasure map

to God

All I want

is a little restlessness

to be accepted

on the journey

to

stillness

I Love You

Your Beloved