Love Letter 195 Why I Am Difficult

I'm difficult.

I know.

but my work

is to love you.

and my difficultness

is like virgin snow

afraid of falling

if I love too much,

will I become Your ground?

will I disappear at Your touch?

will I become Love?

this TRUST

is like a seed being planted

in Fall

I must go through winter

stark and heartless.

I push away Light because it is too much for the cave.

I Am difficult

Because my difficultness

is a Holy grave I must fill with my heart.

and this vessel can hold

so much of your love before

it falls apart

and bruises.

so much Love, Blood , Rich soil ---

pouring to the wound ---

widening the source of my reception.

I must go back

and collect water.

this bucket, a poor excuse,

back and forth, I must go

emptying out

my difficulty

like a barter

I can only trade so much, .... give so much

of my hold on order

in exchange for You.

I can only exchange so much

because I can only

hold You

for a quarter of a second...before I become so

filled

I break

a portal in my own

reflection

again and again

I go

to Your Water.

to fill and refill.

only so big,

so ready

so courageous

to let you Love me

(without suffering disorder).

I must break

fast

with my suffering

slowly,

so I bring water

to a well which can receive it.

I do not want

to waste

any ounce of You

any increment.

because I know

You Are Jesus.

I Love You

Your Beloved