Love Letter 229 Meditation

I shudder..

if that's okay.

I mean

if you don't mind me shuddering.

at least I know what it is to let love surprise me

even tangled in this microscopic lens.

I wish you were here.

because I'm selfish

and selfishness feels much like crying and hugging against the ocean floor

I don't know what to do with it, not sure it will get me where I'm going, yet I can't seem to stop the flagellating mark of ecstasy.

I Love You

is this discontent?

...that your funeral is your deliverance

or have I hallmarked my heart, like an east coast slang --

so that I know

how to be ignorant?...

in case

I Love You too much

and will not let go

your spectacular prelude

to all that is...

yes, I'm in the thick of it.

ecstasy has quickened my breath, and released me from donning a wardrobe

but still

in the silence, I sometimes arrive at a thought

and so curious, I begin to notice, how I am entertaining, everything I hold on to

so please

don't let me go, but push me harder

into the briar of my discontent.

you know I'm the devil

and as long as there is hatred,

conviction will make me a worthy cause.

so please

if I am the beast

let me grow into

all that I fear

so I can see the smooth surface of hatred

so I can see how the swing swung into epiphany and entanglement

and I can catch my breath on each chain

til it descends again, a chrysalis.

please let me

wait out

this plunge

so mephistopheles does not take me

but I, instead, behold him in my heart

like a changeling

oh God

you have begun to unchain

all the worlds in my empty admission

all these crimes have become a velvet levee

and a dream of breaking.

I have only wanted you to steady me on the fist of holiness, honesty -- my contentment

I have only wanted you

to stay this cross, until, there is no intersection

I Love You

Your Beloved